Is Valentine's Day Romance On Demand?

According to an article in yesterday's Minneapolis Star Tribune, a so-called life coach from New York has declared war on Valentine's Day. He's pushing for "more personalized expressions of meaningful feeling and sincere emotion," and he says that "you can't really be romantic when being romantic is completely expected." Apparently he's never heard of the single carved-in-stone rule of Romance: Must have HEA ending. Expected. Required. No excuses, buddy.

So here's a guy who coaches people presumably engaged in the sport of living who's making headlines--well, bottom of the front page of section E, but when you're casting about for grist for the blog, "Valentine's Day gets 'F' in romance" catches the eye--by coming up with a plan to make Valentine's Day (new name for the holiday TBA) a movable feast. It should be celebrated on a different day every year, says the coach, making it less predictable. Must say, reference to "the exploitation of love for profit" with regard to those greedy florists, candy makers, and greeting card companies hits a little too close to home for me.

Apparently college students in particular question the value of the holiday. One young woman is quoted at length about constructs and confidence and the myth of the knight in shining armor. Then we turn to the male point of view: "Why don't guys have a man's day where a girl goes out and gets us beer and stuff like that?" Ah, youth. Eventually the woman will learn that there's a reason why these holidays are inscribed on the calendar--Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, your wedding anniversary and the like--and that reason is the male point of view. "Guys" don't aspire to be knights in shining armor. King of the castle is more like it. The young man knows this already.

A few hours after I read this bit of news, I had the pleasure of helping my granddaughters address their valentines for school. These days the list of names comes home with instructions. Everyone gets a valentine. No more Charlie Browns. One of the girls picked a Barbie theme, and the other chose puppies and kitties. "Oh, this one is perfect for so-and-so." And tomorrow I get to take the treats for one of the parties. (Did the other one last fall.) We engage in some girl talk about Valentine's Days of old. Nana loads everybody up into the Wayback Machine. Yes, girls, Romance is about more that hearts and flowers, boys and girls, hugs and kisses. It's about friends and families and doing good deeds and all that stuff. So why do we have Valentine's Day? For the same reason we have days for other special aspects of our lives. One day on the calendar reminds us to celebrate a feeling we value every day.

Romance On Demand? So what? As long as it's not On Delay, we're good.
Right Shaq?

What are your thoughts? Is Valentine's Day too commercial? Too predictable? Do you have any particular expectations? Have you ever been blown away by a romantic gesture on Valentine's Day?

Gotta say, it's a good month to publish a Romance.

Note: Thanks to xkcd.com for the opening cartoon. The website allows free use of their material as long as it is not reproduced for sale.

Love in the right language.

It's February already. The groundhog is back in his hole and we're burrowed in for six more weeks of winter. That means it's time to think of love and romance. Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm celebrating LOVE. All month long. All kinds of love.

What makes you feel loved and cherished? Is it those big, luscious hearts filled with decadent chocolates? Your favorite flowers in a lavish bouquet? A dinner in a restaurant so dark you have to pull out your Bic lighter to read the menu? Or does all of that made-for-the-holiday giftware leave you grumbling as you pass the florist, Hallmark store, or Godiva kiosk?

Do you secretly wish your beloved would REALLY show his love by:
*helping with the dishes and evening chores?
*turning off the TV to spend some time with you?
*pulling you into his arms and holding you for as long as you want?
*or putting his feelings into words and telling you how he feels?

Then you may have to let him know what love-language you speak.

Everyone has family stories about misunderstandings regarding how to show love to one another. Huggers vs the non-huggers. Talkers vs the silent types. Feeders vs the fussy eaters. The activity organizers vs the let's-just-sit-and-talkers. We often attribute these conflicts (especially within blended families and between in-laws) to differences in family habits and traditions. But they may in fact be that we speak a different love language . . . which is a way of saying that each of us learns to read "love" into a different set of language and behaviors.

Gary Chapman proposes that there are really five basic languages or ways of expressing and accepting love. I think he's onto something with his list.

1- Words of Affirmation-- You feel loved when another person tells you that he or she values you as a person and appreciates your special way with the most ordinary tasks

2- Quality Time-- You feel loved by another person when you receive focused attention and enjoy time that is set aside to be spent together.

3- Receiving Gifts-- Tangible expressions of love assure you that the other person is not only thinking of you but that he/she cares enough to show it.

4- Acts of Service-- You feel most loved when someone helps you to carry out your responsibilities and works alongside you.

5- Physical Touch-- You feel most loved when you make physical contact with another person. You enjoy being embraced and feeling another's touch.

Chapman's hypothesis is that while we may use and appreciate any and all of these ways of expressing and receiving love, there is usually one "language" that we prefer and listen for in our relationships.

That primary language was probably engraved on our hearts early in life by our parents and caregivers. If they talked to us a lot and expressed their love verbally, we probably desire words of affirmation. If they primarily expressed their love by offering to help us with the daily tasks of living, or invited us to join them in working in the kitchen or garage, then we probably want to be loved through acts of service. If no expression of love is complete without a hug or embrace, you're probably most fluent in physical touch.

Now, all of this may seem simple and basic to you, but I suspect that --like me-- you may have a few relationships that aren't as fulfilling as they could be. And perhaps you've tried and tried to establish good and loving relations with a certain person, only to feel like something's not connecting. Maybe you (and I) need to ask that person what kind of actions speak love most clearly to them. Ask what actions or activities make them feel loved, cared for, and cherished.

"I don't always know how to express my care and concern for you in ways that make you feel loved. How can I show you how much you mean to me?"

I've begun to do a love inventory in my life and I have been surprised by the response. People I've loved for a many years sometimes need to hear a different language in order to experience my love for them in a fresh and meaningful way. For example, I have always been quick to verbalize "I Love You" to my sister. Talking has always been "our thing." But of late, she's been very burdened and stressed, and when I asked her how I could show her that I love her, she looked a little sheepish and suggested a back-scratching-- "like when we were kids." Touch. There are times that nothing is better.

Words, time, gifts, service, and touch. . . five really powerful languages of love that can make us better at loving those close to us. With Valentine's Day approaching, maybe we should give some thought to our loving relationships and to discoveries that can strengthen them. When we say I Love You in the right language, we touch others' hearts and we grow our own.


So, do you think there's anything to this "love language" thing? What love language do you understand best? And what love language do you use most often for your spouse, your family, and your friends? Do you consciously custom tailor acts of love for each person in your life?

If you had one love-wish for Valentine's Day, what would it be?

Valentines Day. . . a new approach. . .

It's no secret that men usually marry women like their mothers. Not necessarily in every respect, of course. That would be just creepy. But they choose similarities that are in some way important to them: cooking skills, physical similarities, career choices, personalities, habits, beliefs and attitudes, or even just their CQ-- "comforting quotient."

It's also no secret that after a number of years of marriage (and a number of kids) men start to see their wives more as "mom" than as "wife" or "lover." They begin to call their wives "mom" and not just when the kids are around! And women-- responding to the nurturing gene and the repetitive nature of their roles as mother figures and domestic goddesses-- begin to treat their husbands like one of the kids.

Have you caught yourself straightening your man's clothes to make him more presentable or re-combing his hair or scolding him for repeatedly leaving clothes or shoes on the floor or dishes all over the family room? When you go out to dinner or shopping, do you automatically pay because you have the credit card or the checkbook (or the cash because YOU were the one who remembered to go to the bank)? Do you make up the list of Saturday chores by yourself and hand out assignments to hubby and the kids at the same time? Do you monitor his TV viewing and/or computer use and make comments about the content. . . expecting him to respond to your wishes? Do you monitor his wardrobe and decide when he needs new underwear and socks and when his shirts or trousers need replacing?

In short, are you in danger of becoming, or have you already become, your man's MOM?

I read an article on this recently and I was a little disturbed. . . because, see, I do some of the stuff they mentioned. Not necessarily because I want to or planned things to happen this way. Some habits in a relationship you just fall into. Like that "underwear and socks" thing. I'm a shopper, see, and he doesn't like to shop, so it's just easier for me to pick these things up.

Right.

There are probably hundreds other things that women do to and for husbands/mates that qualify as "Mommy" duties. Grocery shopping, cooking, housework, vacation planning, kinship duties like planning family events and keeping track of birthdays and anniversaries. . . reminding them of obligations and schedules. . . deciding when they need a new wallet and making eye and dental appointments. . . handing them tissues when we see hands headed for noses. (Oh, come on, most men do it. And most women hand out the tissues.)

Sometimes it's by agreement that we act as a stand-in mom. Sometimes it's not. And when it's not, it can be embarrassing for them and for us. When they're sick or dealing with things they don't consider important to their egos, they're happy to have us take over. But when they're healthy and focused on taking on the world, it can be demeaning and downright infuriating to have us yank them back into childhood with a scolding.

Not only that. . . but as the quotient of "mommy" behavior goes up, the frequency of passion goes down. It stands to reason that if you quit seeing your guy as a virile and capable man who can take care of himself, you won't be as eager to think of him as a lover. And the flip side is that the more he sees you as his "MOM" the less he'll see you as a vibrant, beautiful, sexy woman who should be appreciated and loved. Here is where the romance dies.

So, how do you keep from turning into his MOM? How do you make certain you can still be lovers as well as partners and parents and friends and mortgage co-signers?

The article suggested that when we do things for our guy that his MOM would ordinarily do, we do it in a way that his MOM wouldn't. With a kiss, a wayward caress, a naughty glint or suggestive laugh. It proposed that we hand them a list of their wardrobe needs and send them out with the checkbook. . . that if we do accompany them it is just to spend time with them and have lunch or dinner out. We have to make sure that they're the ones who do the shopping and deciding. . . that we offer support and loving, appreciative smiles. If they complain (It's easier to let MOM do things than to do them for yourself!), we should tell them in no uncertain terms that we think we're turning into their MOMs and we'd much rather be their lovers and wives.

If your guy doesn't get the promise in that statement, then he's been "mommied" waaaaay too long and may need a more emphatic dose of "wife" and "lover" to remind him of the benefits.

The benefit to women is that. . . we get to be wives and lovers again. . . instead of simply mothers 24/7. We get to remember our femininity and behave like the fun, sexy, passionate women we truly are. We deserve a little fun and romance in our busy and oh-so-responsible lives. And who knows, we may find ourselves rekindling the romance and rediscovering the kind of blossoming love between two equals that Valentine's Day was meant to celebrate.

So, with Valentine's Day coming up, we have time to do a little remedial "un-mommying." We have time to remind ourselves and our significant others that we're a great deal more than just "Mom."

What do you think? Is this expanding "MOM" role a problem for you? Ever feel like the MOM of the world? What do you do about it?

Do you think this approach would free women up and make our lives better, or is it too much like that chauvinistic old song "Wives Should Always Be Lovers, Too"? Too much work? Just one more expectation women have to meet?