It's no secret that men usually marry women like their mothers. Not necessarily in every respect, of course. That would be just creepy. But they choose similarities that are in some way important to them: cooking skills, physical similarities, career choices, personalities, habits, beliefs and attitudes, or even just their CQ-- "comforting quotient."It's also no secret that after a number of years of marriage (and a number of kids) men start to see their wives more as "mom" than as "wife" or "lover." They begin to call their wives "mom" and not just when the kids are around! And women-- responding to the nurturing gene and the repetitive nature of their roles as mother figures and domestic goddesses-- begin to treat their husbands like one of the kids.
Have you caught yourself straightening your man's clothes to make him more presentable or re-combing his hair or scolding him for repeatedly leaving clothes or shoes on the floor or dishes all over the family room? When you go out to dinner or shopping, do you automatically pay because you have the credit card or the checkbook (or the cash because YOU were the one who remembered to go to the bank)? Do you make up the list of Saturday chores by yourself and hand out assignments to hubby and the kids at the same time? Do you monitor his TV viewing and/or computer use and make comments about the content. . . expecting him to respond to your wishes? Do you monitor his wardrobe and decide when he needs new underwear and socks and when his shirts or trousers need replacing?
In short, are you in danger of becoming, or have you already become, your man's MOM?
I read an article on this recently and I was a little disturbed. . . because, see, I do some of the stuff they mentioned. Not necessarily because I want to or planned things to happen this way. Some habits in a relationship you just fall into. Like that "underwear and socks" thing. I'm a shopper, see, and he doesn't like to shop, so it's just easier for me to pick these things up.
Right.
There are probably hundreds other things that women do to and for husbands/mates that qualify as "Mommy" duties. Grocery shopping, cooking, housework, vacation planning, kinship duties like planning family events and keeping track of birthdays and anniversaries. . . reminding them of obligations and schedules. . . deciding when they need a new wallet and making eye and dental appointments. . . handing them tissues when we see hands headed for noses. (Oh, come on, most men do it. And most women hand out the tissues.)
Sometimes it's by agreement that we act as a stand-in mom. Sometimes it's not. And when it's not, it can be embarrassing for them and for us. When they're sick or dealing with things they don't consider important to their egos, they're happy to have us take over. But when they're healthy and focused on taking on the world, it can be demeaning and downright infuriating to have us yank them back into childhood with a scolding.
Not only that. . . but as the quotient of "mommy" behavior goes up, the frequency of passion goes down. It stands to reason that if you quit seeing your guy as a virile and capable man who can take care of himself, you won't be as eager to think of him as a lover. And the flip side is that the more he sees you as his "MOM" the less he'll see you as a vibrant, beautiful, sexy woman who should be appreciated and loved. Here is where the romance dies.
So, how do you keep from turning into his MOM? How do you make certain you can still be lovers as well as partners and parents and friends and mortgage co-signers?
The article suggested that when we do things for our guy that his MOM would ordinarily do, we do it in a way that his MOM wouldn't. With a kiss, a wayward caress, a naughty glint or suggestive laugh. It proposed that we hand them a list of their wardrobe needs and send them out with the checkbook. . . that if we do accompany them it is just to spend time with them and have lunch or dinner out. We have to make sure that they're the ones who do the shopping and deciding. . . that we offer support and loving, appreciative smiles. If they complain (It's easier to let MOM do things than to do them for yourself!), we should tell them in no uncertain terms that we think we're turning into their MOMs and we'd much rather be their lovers and wives.
If your guy doesn't get the promise in that statement, then he's been "mommied" waaaaay too long and may need a more emphatic dose of "wife" and "lover" to remind him of the benefits.The benefit to women is that. . . we get to be wives and lovers again. . . instead of simply mothers 24/7. We get to remember our femininity and behave like the fun, sexy, passionate women we truly are. We deserve a little fun and romance in our busy and oh-so-responsible lives. And who knows, we may find ourselves rekindling the romance and rediscovering the kind of blossoming love between two equals that Valentine's Day was meant to celebrate.
So, with Valentine's Day coming up, we have time to do a little remedial "un-mommying." We have time to remind ourselves and our significant others that we're a great deal more than just "Mom."
What do you think? Is this expanding "MOM" role a problem for you? Ever feel like the MOM of the world? What do you do about it?
Do you think this approach would free women up and make our lives better, or is it too much like that chauvinistic old song "Wives Should Always Be Lovers, Too"? Too much work? Just one more expectation women have to meet?
