It's February already. The groundhog is back in his hole and we're burrowed in for six more weeks of winter. That means it's time to think of love and romance. Valentine's Day is coming up and I'm celebrating LOVE. All month long. All kinds of love.What makes you feel loved and cherished? Is it those big, luscious hearts filled with decadent chocolates? Your favorite flowers in a lavish bouquet? A dinner in a restaurant so dark you have to pull out your Bic lighter to read the menu? Or does all of that made-for-the-holiday giftware leave you grumbling as you pass the florist, Hallmark store, or Godiva kiosk?
Do you secretly wish your beloved would REALLY show his love by:
*helping with the dishes and evening chores?
*turning off the TV to spend some time with you?
*pulling you into his arms and holding you for as long as you want?
*or putting his feelings into words and telling you how he feels?
Then you may have to let him know what love-language you speak.
Everyone has family stories about misunderstandings regarding how to show love to one another. Huggers vs the non-huggers. Talkers vs the silent types. Feeders vs the fussy eaters. The activity organizers vs the let's-just-sit-and-talkers. We often attribute these conflicts (especially within blended families and between in-laws) to differences in family habits and traditions. But they may in fact be that we speak a different love language . . . which is a way of saying that each of us learns to read "love" into a different set of language and behaviors.
Gary Chapman proposes that there are really five basic languages or ways of expressing and accepting love. I think he's onto something with his list.
1- Words of Affirmation-- You feel loved when another person tells you that he or she values you as a person and appreciates your special way with the most ordinary tasks
2- Quality Time-- You feel loved by another person when you receive focused attention and enjoy time that is set aside to be spent together.
3- Receiving Gifts-- Tangible expressions of love assure you that the other person is not only thinking of you but that he/she cares enough to show it.
4- Acts of Service-- You feel most loved when someone helps you to carry out your responsibilities and works alongside you.
5- Physical Touch-- You feel most loved when you make physical contact with another person. You enjoy being embraced and feeling another's touch.
Chapman's hypothesis is that while we may use and appreciate any and all of these ways of expressing and receiving love, there is usually one "language" that we prefer and listen for in our relationships.
That primary language was probably engraved on our hearts early in life by our parents and caregivers. If they talked to us a lot and expressed their love verbally, we probably desire words of affirmation. If they primarily expressed their love by offering to help us with the daily tasks of living, or invited us to join them in working in the kitchen or garage, then we probably want to be loved through acts of service. If no expression of love is complete without a hug or embrace, you're probably most fluent in physical touch.
Now, all of this may seem simple and basic to you, but I suspect that --like me-- you may have a few relationships that aren't as fulfilling as they could be. And perhaps you've tried and tried to establish good and loving relations with a certain person, only to feel like something's not connecting. Maybe you (and I) need to ask that person what kind of actions speak love most clearly to them. Ask what actions or activities make them feel loved, cared for, and cherished.
"I don't always know how to express my care and concern for you in ways that make you feel loved. How can I show you how much you mean to me?"
I've begun to do a love inventory in my life and I have been surprised by the response. People I've loved for a many years sometimes need to hear a different language in order to experience my love for them in a fresh and meaningful way. For example, I have always been quick to verbalize "I Love You" to my sister. Talking has always been "our thing." But of late, she's been very burdened and stressed, and when I asked her how I could show her that I love her, she looked a little sheepish and suggested a back-scratching-- "like when we were kids." Touch. There are times that nothing is better.
Words, time, gifts, service, and touch. . . five really powerful languages of love that can make us better at loving those close to us. With Valentine's Day approaching, maybe we should give some thought to our loving relationships and to discoveries that can strengthen them. When we say I Love You in the right language, we touch others' hearts and we grow our own.
So, do you think there's anything to this "love language" thing? What love language do you understand best? And what love language do you use most often for your spouse, your family, and your friends? Do you consciously custom tailor acts of love for each person in your life?
If you had one love-wish for Valentine's Day, what would it be?
