What Susie Knows About Men

I know a lot about men. Oh, not in the femme fatale, hey-big-guy, get them to do what I want by making them want me way. In fact, I'm quite hopeless at that.

But I've always been surrounded. A brother, no sisters. Many male cousins. Three sons, no daughters, and a house that is the hangout for crowds of their friends. One aunt, but three uncles. You get the idea.

And here are a couple of things I've learned:

1) Televisions exert a strange and powerful hold over the males of the species.

It's really quite wierd. I can have the tv on - and often do - while I'm doing other things. Reading, cooking, paying the bills, whatever. But my males . . . they can walk by a set that I have on, to a program they have absolutely no interest in whatsoever. Paula Deen, or A Wedding Story, or ice skating. And still, I'll look up and find them stopped dead, standing three feet in front of it, staring, glaze-eyed, having completely forgotten what they were on their way to do.

2) That "through his stomach" saw is mostly true. Oh, I know there are a few strange men out there that aren't ruled by their appetite. I just don't know any personally. It works best on the young adults of the species.

Now, I like to bake, but rarely do, because our family is small enough that they don't eat it all and save me from myself. But I cook when the boys' friends are there, and it's like magic. All I have to do is throw a pan of brownies in their direction and I am suddenly transformed into The Best Mother Ever.

3) Naked boobs are good. Naked boobs they are not supposed to see are somehow much better.

It is very strange. I mean, most of the men in my life are - at least technically - adults. If they wanted to, they could go buy a Playboy. They could even go to a strip joint. Several could even go to the women in their lives and see actual, live breasts anytime they want.

But still, the ones they are not supposed to see hold an extreme fascination. Remember when cable channels used to scramble their signals? And you could just catch a bit of what was going on? I used to find my husband - who is in many ways a very mature and accomplished adult - standing in front of the TV, with it turned to HBO, which we did not at the time get, and going "Do you think that was a boob? I'm pretty sure that was a boob." Though I suppose point #1 feeds into this as well.

4) They have one-track minds. Which is sometimes very good, in particular when that mind is focused on you. But it is quite detrimental when they are supposed to be doing two things at once. Particularly if one of them is child care. (Mine are excellent at child care if that is their only task, btw. But if they are supposed to be working and doing child care at the same time, look out!)

I once left my husband in charge while I went on a business trip. Now I leave long daily instructions, with nearly hour-by-hour schedules of what he's supposed to do and check.

But on Friday afternoon, he was working at home, waiting for the boys to get off the bus. At about 5:30, he calls me in Texas. "What time is son #2 supposed to get home?" "Umm," I say in rising panic. "That would be two hours ago." "Oh," he says. Calm, distracted. "Don't you think you should go FIND him?" I say. "I suppose so. Just let me finish this memo . . . "

One of my uncles oversees an amount of money that runs to 10 figures (Yes, 10) and receives regular and flattering mentions in the Wall Street Journal. When his kids were teenagers, and pretty self-sufficient, my aunt went on a trip. My uncle's only task was to, before he went to work in the morning, make sure one of them was actually up, because he was prone to sleeping through his alarm.

You guessed it. First morning gone, she gets a phone call from the school. She calls my uncle at the office, persuades him to go home, and finds the kid still curled up asleep.

My neighbor is head of an emergency room, and has a law degree to boot. Obviously an accomplished and brilliant man, one who saves lives on a daily basis.

One day I met his wife in the street, shaking her head and laughing.

Her husband happened to be home one morning, reading the paper. She had to take one of their children to preschool, and so got EVERYTHING ready for the other two. Dressed them, fed them, packed their backpacks, left them playing. Told her husband that he just had to make sure they went down to the bus on time. When she returned a half an hour later, where was everybody? The girls were still playing, her husband was still sitting at the kitchen table in his underwear reading the paper, and the bus was long gone.

Speaking of which . . . what is it with guys and their need to wander around their home in their underwear? It was the thing my husband hated when the older boys started bringing home girls; it was no long safe to lay around in his boxers.

So . . . what have you all learned about guys?