How long has it been since you were on a date? A real, honest-to-goodness, Do-I or don't-I, does-he or doesn't-he. . . will-we or won't-we DATE?
Being thrown back into the "dating pool" at this stage of life was a real eye-opener. Not, however, the refresher course in Romance that I had hoped it would be. Dating at 45 (Okay, 50!) was pretty much the same as it was at 18-- until I learned to relax and be myself-- all over again. The big difference here is that at 50, all of the guys are losers. That is, if they're dating again it's because they've lost someone. . . whether due to divorce or to death. Interestingly, so had I. You'd think that would put us on an even footing and somewhat on the same page, relationship-wise.
Not so. It seems that everybody handles loss and the changes it brings in a different way. Some men carry around a huge gaping wound and are more than happy to share it and how they got it at the lightest hint of sympathy. Some embrace the freedom that being spouseless brings and go buy a Harley and some leathers and live out their alternative dream-- expecting that this will make them seem virile and dangerous and "cool" at last. Some settle into fusty middle age and indulge way too much in food and drink, drowning their sorrows and waiting to be rescued by a "good" woman. Some make finding a new relationship a project, sort of like remodeling the basement; make a plan, screen applicants, put in the required time and effort, and voila-- relationship. Some read a whole book and become relationship experts: start administering personality tests and testing truthfulness by whether you look to the left or the right when answering a question. Some just use the "new car" approach: "hey, that baby looks fast-- I'll take 'er!"
But almost all of them have one thing in common with the "new car" guys: they want a "test drive" ASAP. And if the test drive is successful, they're done; they've found the next "One." Instant relationship. All comfy once again.
If all that sounds vaguely like the guys in high school, it's probably because these ARE the guys from high school. . . with a few miles and a few pounds and a lot less hair. Oh, and varying amounts of baggage. Imagine Motorhead Bob or Stretch Kelly from the 11th grade. . . grown up and with 35 years of marriage and kids and bills and at least one big disappointment. . .
For a person with an earnestly compassionate side, it's not easy sorting through all the needs, wants and desires and hopes and negotiating all the pitfalls of second(or third)-time around love. You have to learn to say "no". . . sometimes graciously, sometimes not. You have to think about what is good for you, what meets your needs, and not be too tempted to rescue men from their own idiocy.
Interestingly, there are some real jewels out there, too. Men who have taken the time to put their losses and triumphs in perspective, men who have taken time to understand themselves and know their needs and their desires aren't necessarily the same thing, men who don't feel the need to retrieve or re-live a youth-that-never-was, men who have mature and compassionate natures and think about the world at large. Men who know how to laugh and how to cry and how to hold you as you do both.
You might have already guessed: I'm not very good at dating. Never have been. The whole "choosing" and "rejecting" thing just hurts me, no matter which end of it I'm on. But I'm pretty good at relationships. . . and getting better all the time. . . more honest, more open, more lucid and realistic. And part of that learning and growing comes from finding someone I really do "fit" with, flaws and all. My suspicion is that at this age and stage, it's all about finding someone whose flaws and faults you can live with. . . as much as finding someone whose strengths and character compliment yours. And I have to say, finding the right person to compliment your life and your heart gives Romance an entirely different glow at this age. Has it affected my writing? Undoubtedly.
No, I'm not going to tell the story of the Harley guys or the "new car" guys or the bleeding-heart guys. . . well, at least not in this post. Someday at a conference. . . in a bar. . . after a couple of margaritas, maybe. . .
What about you? Does the prospect of dating "mid-life" give you the willies? Care to share your worst date-- then or now? Want to give your opinion of middle aged men on Harleys? LOL!
