Betina here. The list of18 Things A Grown Man Should Never Have
was published on MSN the other day. It read like this:
1. a black eye (a real man is smart enough to talk himself out of any fight he's going to lose)
2. a witty e-mail signature (quotes and song lyrics, etc)
3. an empty refrigerator
4. PlayStation thumb (calluses or button shaped bruises)
5. a key chain bottle opener
6. a lucky shirt (every shirt is lucky for a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be)
7. an unstamped passport
8. Olympic dreams (except in curling or archery)
9. less than $20 in his wallet (a real man always carries enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and a Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic)
10. a name for his penis (ahem)
11. any beer that costs less than $20 a case
12. the need to quote The Big Lebowsky, Caddyshack, Stripes, or Superbad (reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you don't have the wits to make up your own)
13. a futon for a sofa (Never in the history of sex has a woman cried out: "Take me on your futon!")
14. code words for ugly women
15. a nerf hoop in the living room
16. a secret handshake
17. drinking glasses with logos (especially those with McDonald's characters!)
18. A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop. . ."
A fairly entertaining list. Thanks MSN. Did you find yourself taking inventory of the men in your life? And did they have a few of the things on the "forbidden" list?
Personally I felt like there were a few things I could let slide. The black eye thing might indicate a fight in a good cause. . . like the safety of self and female companion. In which case, the black eye would be a badge of honor. Have you ever read a hero who got a black eye? Ever written one? Think of Indiana Jones or John McClain in the Die Hard franchise. I rest my case.
An unstamped passport? Hey, a lot of countries don't regularly stamp passports anymore. I had to stand in a special line and ASK for a stamp on my passport that last time I was overseas. Not a particularly manly thing to do.
And of course, the Olympic dreams thing. Personally I don't think we need to knock a man's dreams, no matter how juvenile or out of reach they seem. They're his own private business. . . unless he's living in his parents' basement at thirty-five, still "training for the bobsled" as a full time job.
But there were a number of things that got left off the list. . . because they feared offending much of their readership. . . because everybody in the office had a different idea of what should be included. . . and because 6732 Things A Grown Man Should Not Have might have sounded a little excessive. I do, however, feel the need to point out a few glaring omissions:
1. toenails on the bathroom floor, bedroom carpet, or (shudder) in front of any TV.
2. posters of women with D cups scotch taped to the walls
3. a wooden paddle hanging on the wall. . . emblazoned with a college crest or Greek letters
4. soda cans or fast good bags filling the foot wells of the rear seat of the car
5. any athletic department t-shirt with more than three holes
6. tighty-whiteys with some parts (a-hem) not quite so tidy or whitey.
7. a beer can collection displayed in any room above ground.
8. visible nose hair (I have it on good authority that this is why God made mirrors.)
9. a name for his wife's or girlfriend's vagina
10. Penthouse, Hustler, or Playboy subscriptions
11. only one set of sheets. . . which have been on the bed since they delivered the mattress (just, ewwww.)
12. an air freshener tree hanging from his rear-view mirror
13. chains attaching his wallet to his pants
14. a subwoofer in his car that rattles fillings out of teeth
15. guns that get cleaned more regularly than his bathtub
16. more than two pizza places on speed dial
17. athletic shoes more than ten years old
18. pictures of old girlfriends in his wallet
19. pink socks and underwear (or bluish ones, as the case may be)
20. more video games than books
21. little black books with ratings or "user comments,"
whether in hard copy or on a computer.
22. a mother who still does his laundry (or other household chores) for him
(yes, Henry David Thoreau, I'm talkin' 'bout you!)
Yeah, it's probably true that my additions reflect my own values and prejudices about what makes a man mature and worthy of respect. I'm sure yours do too.
So let's hear em! What do you think guys need to grow past? What irks you to see or experience in a grown man? And to be fair, we'll have to do this with women someday, too.
