Friday, October 08, 2010

Home Renovation and Other Marital Disasters


Here's a little known tidbit to digest over your morning coffee: There are more than 90,000 women in prison in the US at this moment. Most, according to a source I found, were incarcerated for economic crimes. Hmm, maybe, but I have my own opinion on that. I'm willing to bet that if anyone bothered to dig a bit deeper into the subjec, they'd discover HRV was at the root of most of the crimes.

HRV, or House Remodeling Violence shall soon become a perfectly acceptable defense plea. Half the juries are made up of women, right? There's the sympathy vote right there.

Have you ever painted with your husband? Wall-papered? Picked out new window treatments? Then you might have an idea of where this is going. If you've ever remodeled a room or portion of a house with a spouse, it's easy to understand how homicide might be the result. Or, at the very least, resorting to vigorous beatings.

You might have guessed, we're doing some remodeling at our house. Pretty much the entire upper story--five bedrooms and bath. More than the ordinary remodeling, because we raised five kids in that house
and by the time they all left it was a toss up whether to start renovating or to call a priest for an exorcism. (We opted to save the priest as a last resort.)

At the beginning I. Was. Pumped. At last, the moment
I'd been awaiting for decades. No longer was Menards the place where my dreams went to die. I'd visualized what I was going to do When The Time Came. I knew what I wanted. I'd picked out samples in my mind.

I'd also forgotten to factor someone else into the equation.

Really, a man only ought to be allowed an opinion if he also has taste. This is the guy who once (very early in our marriage) nailed a quilt over the sliding glass doors in lieu of curtains, and to this day fails to understand what was wrong with that. A man who has never grasped the correlation between buying cheap and looking tacky. A man that doesn't understand why we're remodeling bedrooms no one sleeps in anymore. One who could get all his renovating needs met in the pages of Craftsman and the aisles of Walmart.

A man who is seriously wishing he'd found a wife with similar tastes :)

The good news is, progress has been made in the remodeling. Tile has been laid. Painting has been done. Carpeting bought. And although one or two unkind words may have been exchanged, we haven't yet come to blows. (There was the one instance of a switch plate sailing through the air and coming suspiciously close to making contact. Note to self: work on the wind-up.)

And homicide has not (yet) been done. But I remain unconvinced about those 90,000 other women languishing in prison....

What about you? Have any building or remodeling nightmares to share? Need a character witness at the subsequent trial? And most importantly, anyone willing to post bail if things deteriorate before the rest of our projects are done???



22 comments:

krisgils33 said...

people passing by my office are starting to wonder why I'm cracking up laughing. okay, so I should have done my blog perusals before I left for work, but really, isn't sleep more important? work is when you get all your personal stuff done!

hubby and I have come perilously close to violence on multiple occassions for home renovations. He's the guy that 2 years ago when we moved into our current (and last, he says) home, thought we were done with renovations and ready for company once the big screen TV was mounted on the wall.

so, yes, I feel your pain.

KylieBrant said...

Oh, Kris you are not alone...three sons moved in to new homes today and once the TV was mounted they all sat down while the females stared in disbelief!

Charlotte D. Margolis said...

I think I'll have to hire it out once my time comes. DH and I can't even hang a shelf together, let alone a renovation project. Really, if he would just do it my way it would be perfect. Sheesh!

Michele Hauf said...

You're preaching to the choir here! I remember the first time I was so excited to wallpaper the bathroom with the hubby--our first decorating project together!

I think I considered homicide about twenty minutes into the project. Seriously. I don't know how we made it through that very tiny little room (only about one whole wall to paper in all) but I count it as my determination and sheer will to survive against this strange creature who Knew It All and Wouldn't Take Directions From A Woman.

We haven't done a project together since, but only because I have vivid memories of that event.

KylieBrant said...

Charlotte--my thoughts exactly! There's only room for one way...and it isn't his, LOL.

KylieBrant said...

Michele, I am so hopeless at painting and wallpaper that when my dh and his parents hung wallpaper for us, my job was to keep the kids out of the way. They'd cut several pieces and they were all laid on top of each other. My then three year old was playing with the yard stick and brought it down squarely on the stack of cut pieces, placing three corner tears in each piece. Gulp. DH looked at me and said, "You had ONE job...." LOL.

Playground Monitor said...

I had the opposite problem -- my soon-to-be-ex-husband took too much interest in remodeling and decorating. I could hardly change a light bulb without his input. "Maybe we should go with those pink tinted bulbs that make you look younger." When we bought a new house 5 years ago, the decorator was floored when he sat in on every session and picked out fabrics and such. And then there was the new Christmas tree and the big bow topper he brought home. At least in my apartment I'm the only one I have to argue about when it comes to colors and art placement and whether the bed's made up or not.

I had some big, unexpected expenses this month, but I could ship $10 into the bail fund. ::grin::

Marilyn

KylieBrant said...

Marilyn, thanks buddy :) Right now the steam shower/whirlpool combo installation isn't going well and I think my dh would like to drown me in it!

Becky Barker said...

I'm good for some bail as long as you convince the judge to set it at poverty level. LOL!

I've always believed opposites attract and the proof comes when you're prioritizing projects:-)

Hugs, Becky

lois greiman said...

Great blog, Kylie.

I worked with my hubby full time for about a year. We both survived that little disaster, but I'm doing much better after a couple decades of therapy, and hardly any of his scars are visible anymore

Good luck.

Keri Ford said...

hehee, ouch, Kylie. lucky for me, dh lacks an opinion unless I wanted to paint say--neon pink.

KylieBrant said...

Becky, maybe that's what it is. Certainly dh and I are almost complete opposites! Do you think we could convince them to set bail at $1.25, lol?

KylieBrant said...

Lois--working together. Wow. That's pushing things for us, I think! Let me see if we survive this and then maybe we'll consider a kitchen project.

KylieBrant said...

Keri--next time I'm picking a guy with no opinion, LOL!

Leanne said...

Tried to leave this earlier, but blogger refused. I've given up on wallpaper. My husband and I also wallpapered a small powder room. Then we tore down wallpaper in a hallway with stairs and that was a P.I.T.A. too! From now on,it's paint all the way. Good luck!!!:)

KylieBrant said...

Leeane I got smart this time around and I'm hiring all the painting and wallpapering. Less stress all around!

Martha Lawson said...

Great post ladies!! I have loved reading thru these, needed the laugh. As for remodeling or anything remotely like fixing up the house, forget it!! DH says, it looks fine the way it is, no need to change anything! Need I say more?? I'll chip in onthe bail money..

KylieBrant said...

Sweet! Martha between you and Marilyn I think I'm covered! I can do my worst!

ArkansasCyndi said...

Oh yeah. I've been there. It was the first wallpapering I'd ever done. The strips of wet, wallpaper were 13 feet long! The wall was on a slant (upstairs). I had to lay on my back to get to sections of the wall. Yes, I threatened to divorce him. I called him LOTS of names...none suitable for a family rated blog.

Now, we live in a house that NEEDS work but that cost $$$ and old tight-wad isn't interested. He is the one who hung a SHOWER CURTAIN OVER FRENCH DOORS to block out the sun and doesn't know why I have a problem with that!

My word verification is "sindys" HAHAHA

Betina Krahn said...

Kylie, I'm coming late to the party but I soooo LOVE this blog!

I've long said that home remodeling can only reult in domestic violence. With the late hubby-- who was a saint in all other areas, seriously-- we came close to throwdowns on only two things: painting and wallpapering and doing income taxes. He turned into a creature so opposite himself (he would probably have said the same thing of me) that I barely recognized the easy-going guy I married.

Unfortunately the Pool Boy and I share many tastes, but STILL have trouble decorating together. He doesn't like anything "homemade". Like pillows or window swags. He's not thrilled by any floral stuff on bedding. And he's a big fan of leather sofas and darker walls than I like. sigh. Can you tell we've got swatches and paint samples up everywhere right now? We're in negotiations.

I'll spring ten bucks for the HRV bail fund, too!

Terry Odell said...

We moved and are renovating/remodeling. We learned from past experience and have hired a contractor. Period.

Terry
Terry's Place
Romance with a Twist--of Mystery

SN said...

That woman in the prison picture is Schapelle Corby - an Australian who was tricked into smuggling drugs into Bali, and is now serving a very long sentence in Indonesia (it is thought her brother put the drugs in her bag).

Now her sister has used the drama to turn herself into a celebrity while Schapelle suffers behind bars. I always feel a little sad seeing her picture.

I love the house picture.