Monday, March 30, 2009

New Careers

Lois Greiman


I may have mentioned (a couple hundred times) that I’m in the throes of the final draft of my 31st book. And though I realize that some authors breeze through this phase like a leaf on the proverbial wind, my own methods aren’t quite so seamless and sometimes involve cursing and self flagellation. There may also be overeating and a fair amount of gnashing of teeth.

Hence, (I’m working on a historical…ergo the antiquated phraseology) at this point in the process, I often find myself considering alternative careers. And I wonder…if I hadn’t taken this particular, sometimes bumpy, often frustrating path, where would I be now? I’ve done some other jobs…vet assistant, horse trainer, exercise instructor… but they fell by the wayside, so in the fractured nanoseconds between one edit and the next I think about what factors make the perfect profession.

It seems fairly obvious that one’s career should be something she/he enjoys. Which brought me to the idea of a joyologist. That’s right. Apparently, it’s someone who figures out how to make people happy. What could be better than that?

Or…if you have something of a shoe fetish…how about a wrinkle chaser? It’s the guy/gal who smooths out the fabric on footwear. (I kid you not. I don’t have time to make up lies right now…and I LOVE making up lies.)

Then there’s the banana gasser. Apparently those little crescent-shaped goodies are picked while they’re still green, put in a hermetically sealed room and sprayed with ethylene gas to keep them from ripening. Gotta tell you, that one sounds a little scary to me. Like we’re not exposed to enough chemicals already… But hey, if it trips your trigger.

As for me, I think I’ve found the ideal profession. According to the job application it requires no formal education, (Need I say yeehaw?) previous training, or special talents. (If this was anymore perfect I’d pay them to let me do it.) All you need is two years of experience with horses and I’m pretty sure I had that much before I was born. The job title is detention barn assistant. But really, all it entails is standing around at the race track waiting for horses to pee, then collecting their urine in a little plastic cup. How cool is that???!

So what if my hero’s a wimp, my heroine’s boring and my secondary characters have failed to materialize? I’m going to be a pee col--errr…a detention barn assistant.

How about you? All money being equal, what would you do if you had your druthers? Let your imaginations run wild.

Oh, and if you could pick up a copy of the newly released One Hot Mess, that’d be great. Just in case this pee collecting thing doesn’t work out as planned.

www.loisgreiman.com

22 comments:

Kylie said...

Lois, you can bet I will be first in line for your book! Did I tell you the more I look at your cover the more I like it?

I believe I've had several different occupations, all juggled simultaneously. Isn't a joyologist just a fancy name for wife/mother, LOL??? And there's my years spent in executive transport (chauffeuring kids); gymnasium specialist (sports spectator); and drama coach (mother of a daughter). Come to think of it, each of those occupations have been fraught with at least as much frustration as I felt writing the last book!

Good luck with the 31st! It'll be wonderful, as usual!

Debra Dixon said...

I'd be a film producer. Oh, no...I'd pursue a career in quilt design for patterns/books. Maybe some teaching of quilting.

I'd go to medical school.

Or get a degree in fine art. Wait that doesn't pay better or get any easier than publishing.

Actually I have a million things which sound interesting, but I'm not sure I'd make a good employee. Been working on my own for too many years!

Debra Dixon said...

Kylie-- Drama coach?? ::snort:: Love it!

Betina Krahn said...

Personally, I'd love to be florist. . . except not one who had to deal with making money and satisfying bizarro brides or antyhing. I just want to be able to work with cut flowers and deliver them to people. I'd love to see the looks on their faces-- if they're naything like me when I get flowers.

Alternatively, I'd like to be a secret shopper. These are people who shop and critique stores and customer service and restautants. These jobs do exist-- I read an article about a guy who did it successfully for years and loved it. If money weren't an object, of course. . .

A Wrinkle chaser? I thought that would be a masseuse for the middle aged. :)

lois greiman said...

Kylie, thank you sooooo much. I can use a little encouragement right now. Book due tomorrow. Book not going to be there tomorrow.

I am connnnnnnnnstantly amazed that you can work full time and still write the wonderful stuff you do. You could give lessons--if you're ever bored.

lois greiman said...

Deb, there are a couple thousand things I'd like to do too so it's probably time to get started. Yay for you for doing your quilts now.

Helen Brenna said...

Pee collector. lol There are some crazy jobs out there.

I've been a drama coach, too, Kylie!!

I often wonder what would've happened had I gone into anthropology. It was favorite class in college, but at the time I couldn't figure out any career other than teaching college. Now, I think, sounds pretty good!

Kathleen Eagle said...

Okay, Lois, I have to ask. What do they do with all those plastic cups full of race horse pee?

Michele Hauf said...

Cat herder has always had a special appeal to me.

I could also do the artist thing. But I'd create those paintings that consist of one splash of color on a white canvas that would have art collectors battling to pay millions for.

I do enjoy the idea of map collector. Or maybe even coloring book freak. Yes, that'll do just fine.

Hey, Betina! I did the secret shopping thing for years. It's fun, but didn't pay a lot. Unless you can get the big jobs like Saks. I also 'counted people' at the local movie theater for quite a few years. Now that does pay well. Hmm...

lois greiman said...

I made up the plastic cup part, Kathy. I'm hoping they actually use metal.

Betina, I can really imagine you as a 'spontaneous florist.' Just delivering at will. How fun.

Keri Ford said...

You won't have any competition from me on the pee collecting job!

Being a speaker would be fun. I think I'd totally enjoy politics if I weren't married and had a kid.

Something in advertising would be exciting.

Might would even chase an acting dream!

lois greiman said...

Wow, Keri, you're so out of my league. You couldn't pay me enough to be in politics. But I admire people who can be out there like that.

Acting...acting would be interesting. But...you know...not as good as pee collecting

Arkansas Cyndi said...

I don't care what happens to the economy. I will not be a pee collector... and living in Hot Springs, AR and having a thoroughbred track, that job is an option! Just not an option for me. I could be a hot walker, I guess, if I wasn't intimidated by the size of those horses.

I'd love to an editor. I swear that's the truth. I read read read. I'd make a good line editor, I think.

Politics - no way. I was in high education for years Enough politics for me for a lifetime.

I do love giving speeches. I gave loads of medical seminars back in the way!

catslady said...

Anything in the arts or with animals but since we're picking crazy occupations (pee collector) - playing games for a living. Almost any kind of games from cards to board games. I guess a gambler would fit into that category but I'd have to learn how to bluff better than I do lol.

And as to that banana job - twice I've gotten bananas that never did anything but stay hard as a rock - I was told they mustn't have been gassed!!!

lois greiman said...

AC, medical speeches? Public speaking seems to be one of those things people either love or hate. I've heard it is amongst the top fears for many.

Catslady, a gambler. Nope, hadn't thought of that one.

Arkansas Cyndi said...

Lois - First, I used to be a nursing instructor (OB Nursing). Then I ran a prenatal screening program at UTMemphis. Gave a number of presentations on that topic. Then I started and ran the Executive MBA program at UALR (Little Rock, AR) and had to give lots of talks on the program.

So public speaking doesn't bother me, as long as I know what I'm talking about.

Keri Ford said...

Lois, it's funny, I don't follow politics that much, BUT I love watching debating. The idea of standing up and debating something gets my blood to pumping. The whole entire thing completely fascinates me.

If I knew as much about myself when I was in high school as I do now, there's no telling what I might have ending up doing.

lois greiman said...

Keri, my daughter's a big debater. But I'm with you...didn't know myself well enough in the 'olden days.'

Kathleen Eagle said...

I'd love to be an archaeologist. College prof. Maybe a wedding planner. Oh, a ballet dancer. An inn keeper on Nantucket.

But, Lois, why do they collect race horse urine? Oh. Wait. For drug testing? Hmmm. Do they have urine collectors at, say, the Olympics? That might be an interesting job. But then you'd probably end up writing a book. Oh, but then you could go on the Colbert Report. And the Daily Show. And...

Kylie said...

Kathleen, we used to have friends that boarded pregnant mares to collect their urine. It was shipped to a pharmaceutical company to make estrogen...

Kathleen Eagle said...

Kylie, yeah, horse pee farms. That's a whole 'nother topic. Can't imagine they'd do that at a race track, though.

Betina Krahn said...

Do I get a prize for misspelling "anything" two different ways in the same comment?

AGHHHHHHHHHH!!!