Roberta Isleib

I first met Roberta Isleib while at a conference in Los Angeles. At the time I was completely unaware that she was a clinical psychologist and could have answered all my questions regarding the business. With a little luck she might have even been able to do something about my own psychoses. But maybe she’s too busy writing her wonderful series to fix me because she’s just seen her eighth novel published in seven years. (http://www.robertaisleib.com)

ASKING FOR MURDER is the third book in the series featuring advice columnist/psychologist Rebecca Butterman. Roberta is also wrapping up her year of service as president of National Sisters in Crime. So thank you, Roberta, for all the hours you’ve contributed to SINC, and for joining us here in the convertible.


Thanks to everyone at Riding with the Top Down for hosting my ASKING FOR MURDER blog tour today!

Dr. Butterman (AKA Dr. Aster), the main character in my mystery series, most recently ASKING FOR MURDER, is an advice columnist. Even though I’m a psychologist and an advice column junkie, I’ve found that writing her columns is not so easy. After cranking out three of her books, I think I’ve figured out how she would describe her approach: “Most people have a pretty good idea of where they’re already headed when they ask for advice. A wise friend simply shines a flashlight on the path.”

But wait a minute, what about the famous Dr. Phil? He’s not one to stand by on the sidelines with a flashlight. In 2006 while visiting Los Angeles for the “Sisters in Crime Goes to Hollywood” conference, I sat in the good doctor’s live studio audience. (Lois was there too!) A pair of sisters who’d been estranged by boyfriend/husband issues fought like cats and dogs for the better part of their fifteen-minute segment. Even Dr. Phil, an expert on handling catfights, looked defeated by the end of the show. These women had come to Dr. Phil for help as a last resort, but darned if they were going to let him get a word in edgewise! After several attempts to expose the bones of the problem and redirect the sisters, he slumped on his barstool, chin in hand, and rolled his eyes at the audience—as if asking the question “where did I go wrong?”

I’ve been in similar positions—you may have too. An unhappy friend bashes her husband for his insensitivity, miserly approach to money, and emotional abuse, and then asks you what to do. And pleased to be of assistance, you trot out your best Ann Landers/Dr. Phil imitation and offer excellent advice, stating the obvious: “Leave the bum!” Then she makes it clear you’ve overlooked his many fine qualities and offended her to boot.

Here’s an example of how it sometimes goes:

FRIEND: “My mother-in-law refuses to share Christmas with my side of the family…what do you think I should do?”

YOU (feeling wise): “You have to talk this over with her, tell her she needs to take turns with the holidays.”

FRIEND: “Yes,” she says, “but there’s no point in talking to my mother-in-law. It never works. She wants Christmas Eve at her house and that’s that.”

YOU: “Maybe it needs to come from your husband. He should tell her, not you.”

FRIEND: “Maybe,” says your friend, “but he always says what’s the big deal? I can have it my way once she’s dead and buried.”

You feel like an advice-giving idiot! Like Dr. Phil, you want to help but you’ve been stumped. What went wrong? What would Dr. Butterman advise?

She would say that if you don’t acknowledge the feelings first, you can offer solutions until the cows come home and your friend won’t find them useful. If she says she’s upset about Christmas Eve dinner, don’t assume you know exactly what she means. Ask questions and then reflect back what you’ve heard. For example: “Sounds like you’re feeling really pissed at your husband. Do I have that right?” Or even more simply, “you sound so sad when you talk about your marriage.” Comments like these may help your friend recognize feelings she wasn’t fully aware she had.

Then before inserting foot into mouth, find out where she is on her internal map. Ask your friend what she’s considering, what she hopes for, or what she’s already tried—rather than use the conversation to explain your own wise ideas. Even a simple question can do the trick, like “what do you think you should do about Christmas?” If she says never mind the damn dinner, she’s thinking it’s time she left her husband, wow! You can see that helping her negotiate dinner parties was on the wrong track. But be careful of piling on! Many of us have had the experience of criticizing a friend’s husband or boyfriend, and then faced the embarrassment and strain to our friendship when she takes the creep back.

If you absolutely must give a suggestion, make sure to couch it in statements that start with “I.” For example: “I worry about your safety when you talk about Dave like that.” And if you feel like you’re in over your head, trust your gut and tell your friend she needs a professional opinion. Even Dr. Phil refers his TV customers to therapy once their fifteen minutes of shame are over!

And now the doctors are in, ready to answer your questions about giving advice, and to hear about the worst advice you’ve ever gotten—or given. A signed copy of ASKING FOR MURDER goes to the best story…