Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Conf'rence, schmonf'rence -- it was a snooze!

She's got my keyboard and is making me post thi--

Aniteb here. (omitting the usual honorifics for the moment) And just in time, it seems. This place is almost as dead as that RWA National thing I got dragged to last week. By Thursday I was reeling from all the fructose floating around the place. (That's FRUIT sugar, for you scientific illiterates.) By Friday I was practically in a diabetic coma. Hug, hug. Kiss, kiss. Nice, nice. BLEAHHH. The only thing worse than phony camaraderie is real camaraderie. And there was enough of both kinds floating around the place to confuse the hell out of me.

Where are the legendary cat fights of old? I saw not a single confrontation worth talking about. No blood in the eyes, much less on the floor. No suppurating rivalries. (Look it up, people!) No "board" issues or charges of self-aggrandizement or disenfranchising the electorate. I staggered out of the AGM after the first few minutes and crawled hand over hand to the bar. Where they charged me eight-frigging-dollars for a Cosmo!!! Eight! And not a "Y" chromosome in sight to pick up the tab!

Also-- I have to say, the publishers are really cheaping out these days. The shrimp were as limp as my fourth husband. And the rest-- cheese and crackers? Excuse me? Even worse, the damned cheese was green in places. Iiiick. Nobody serves The Great Aniteb bad cheese and gets away with it. I'm going to start naming names. Bantam, Berkley, Harlequin, Dorchester, Pocket. . . you know who you are. I'm putting you on notice. Any more cheese that looks like it's been through the digestive tract of a cat and somebody will see those pictures. . .

Oh, and what's with the book giveaways? They want to look like House-Bountiful while they're stiffing authors on royalties and trimming their lists right and left? I don't know about you dearies, but some of the authors I know (notice that I'm not naming names) NEED those royalties. Unless of course, the house believes the books they're giving away would never sell anyway. Because selling those books would require the sales force to get up off their fannies and actually DO something!

Then there was that mass literacy signing. More giving away of books!

I tell you, when my great magnum opus is published, I won't put up with such things for a minute. Nobody will be giving away MY books.

Take a lesson, dearies. Green cheese and give-aways. You'll never make it to your first Bentley with that kind of support.

The Seriously Dissapointed Aniteb

8 comments:

Kathleen Eagle said...

Welcome to the back seat, Aniteb the Infam--er, the vaguely familiar. The Riders haven't quite reached the Bentley level, but we're quite proud of our pink convertible. We've earned it, and not by selling cosmetics. Nor body, nor soul I'll warrant before anyone dares to suggest otherwise.

Yes, the vaguely familiar...hmm. Weren't you the one who visited with me at my last book signing with that "offer you can't refuse"? (I'm still thinking about it, by the way. If your face is any indication, I believe you when you say you've got one hell of life story that really should be made into a book. But I'm not sure that ghost writing for 10% of the net is worth my time.)

Anyway, I'm glad you chimed in here, because I was beginning to feel bad about missing National. My problem is that I don't think I'm down with the art of the air kiss. My lips are always looking for something to hang onto--ear, hair, jewelry--you know, something solid. Midwesterner that I've become--and with those New England formative years and Scandinavian ancestry--I'm not one to play fast and loose with the kisses. But I figure in for a penny, in for some kind of contact. Frankly, I'm worried about offending. Am I over analyzing here, or do I have cause?

anne frasier said...

i don't know who this aniteb is, but i'm thinking we need to form a writers' union and make her president.

Helen Brenna said...

Anniteb, m'dear, you forgot to mention the cheese with the red stuff in it. Yikes, I wouldn't touch the stuff!

And I'm thinking you may have missed one or two gossipy sessions in the bar. 'Course maybe that was you passed out in the restroom!

Candace said...

Thanks, Aniteb. Now I'm not feeling so forlorn about missing the national conference. No catfights in the lobby? No mud-slinging or name-calling during the Annual Meeting? And $8.00 for a Cosmo?! Outrageous!

Aniteb the Ravishing said...

Helen dear, I make it a point to "pass out" only in the arms of men wearing Armani and Rolex Presidents.

Kathy my sweet. . . I'm still trying to scrub the image of you doing "fast and loose" anything from my mind.

Anne love. . . I would never SEEK such an exalted position. But if drafted, I might find it in myself to serve.

Fondly, Aniteb said...

Oh, Candace, ma chere. . . if only you had been there with me! We could have snickered together over the appalling lack of proper foundation garments. The missionaries of the Church of Playtex apparently haven't reached the darkest RWA yet. Haven't seen so much "hanging" since I toured the Gardens of Babylon!

lois greiman said...

Remind me never to miss a conference that Aniteb attends. Green cheese and all it sounds well worth the exorbitant prices. Hey, maybe we could start our own cat fight at the next one. We'll call it....the topless girls catfight, in which, see...we wouldn't actually BE topless, but the name would probably get us more publicity. Unless people have actually seen us topless. In which cases we'd probably just get arrested, but still...any publicity's good publicity right?

Aniteb said...

Lois my Pet, how good to find a young mind that shows such promise! While publicity may seem a fickle thing, it is in fact, quite straightforward. The more people see your name they likelier they are to remember it when standing open-mouthed before a book rack. If it takes a bare-breasted cat-fight. . .